


Silent Night

by sweetheartlamb



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Gen, Government Conspiracy, Moral Ambiguity, Morally Ambiguous Character, Muteness, Mystery, Original Character(s), Secrets, Weird Plot Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartlamb/pseuds/sweetheartlamb
Summary: Ned wakes up to find that everyone else in Springfield is gone.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6





	1. Where is Everyone?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BitchinBetty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitchinBetty/gifts).



The alarm woke Ned up. It was fairly early, 4 o'clock to be specific. It _was_ a school night, and he'd wake up at that time to help his sons get ready for school. He got up from his bed, got into his normal outfit, and walked towards Rod and Todd's bedroom. "Boys, it's time to wake up! It's a beautiful day!" he said near their room, noticing the door was already open.

No response.

Ned walked inside and said "...Rod? Todd?" He then noticed why they weren't responding - they weren't there. "Dear...diddly dear God! My children are gone!" he yelped. He noticed the hastily put back together beds as he panicked. "...Something terrible has happened...!" he whimpered.

He scrambled to the living room and picked up the phone. He punched the number of the police on the phone and disorderly told the line about his situation. No response. For Ned, it felt even worst then the police just brushing off a claim. But, at least them not answering made more sense then his sons' sudden disappearance.

He hung up the phone. "...I think I'm o-overreacting. Maybe they're at the Simpsons house." he muttered. "...I need to get myself together..." He put on boots, a coat, and a scarf and went outside. The snowfall made Ned feel more lonely then he already was. Thankfully, the Simpsons were right next door. He stepped to their front door and rung the doorbell.

No response.

"...Oh." he said. Ned decided to peek through the windows. Nobody was inside - right now. It was clear they were here before. 'Where are they?' he wondered. "Well...diddly darn..." was what he said before walking back home. He then hopped into his car and decided to drive to the school. It wasn't likely anyone else but the staff would be there, but he could try.

After a few attempts to start his car up, it roared with life. It had just enough fuel to go to the school and back. 'I really am lucky...' Ned thought as he drove to Springfield Elementary. As he parked in the parking lot, his spirits dropped. There were no other cars nearby, and the door was locked. Rod and Todd were quite clearly not here.

He got out of his car to see if anyone else was nearby. Perhaps they could give him some information on what was happening... Unfortunately, he found no one. Not even Willy was there, like he usually is. "...Something terrible _has_ happened..." Ned said, once again. Disappointed, he walked back to his car and went home.


	2. Locked Doors

Ned took off his winter accessories and went to his bedroom to ponder. He thought of something, that perhaps this was just a dream. That was the only explanation he had that made sense. People wouldn't just suddenly disappear - would they? To test his theory out, he pinched himself. And, unlike everything else, he responded. "Ow..." he whispered.

'Maybe this _isn't_ a dream...' he thought. There wasn't much to do, now that everyone was gone. Well, except for looking out for other people, but his car was almost out of gas and it would likely just reaffirm the disappearance of the Springfieldians. '...Wait.' he thought again. 'If _I'm_ still here, at least one other person is...right?' There was only one way to find out.

Slipping back into his winter clothes, he walked outside once again. It'd be 6 or 7 A.M. now, and most stores would be open. Since Ned didn't want to risk his car running out of fuel when he was driving, he walked on foot. "If any stores are running, I should check them first," he said, not necessarily worrying about anyone overhearing him. "They're more likely to have people." And, as if the god of unlucky-ness shone above him, all the stores he found were either locked or boarded up.

"...Diddly dang it..." he sighed. He wasn't surprised to see stores locked, since there was nobody to open them, but the boarded stores made him wonder. Could this sudden disappearance have something more to it? Perhaps, and Ned will have to be the one that discovers it. Also, he realized he should be looking somewhere else instead of standing in front of doors.

He stared at the church in the distance. Even if he doesn't find anyone there, he could pray. He ran - and eventually walked - to Springfield's local church. Surprisingly, it was the opposite of the stores, as the doors were wide open. Ned cautiously walked inside, just incase anyone else was there.

No response.

The light that came through the cloudy sky lit up the church. If it wasn't for the fact that everyone else was gone, probably not out of their own will, it would've been beautiful. His steps echoed as he walked to the alter. It was a good time to pray. Pray that everyone else was safe wherever they were, and that Ned could find them.

And eventually, his prayer ended, and he stood up from the alter. Ned walked out as carefully as he entered, then closed the doors. He noticed what the sign said as he went by; "RAPTURE THREAT LEVEL: RED". 'Surely the Rapture didn't happen,' he thought. 'because I'd be up there...and not here.'

He then remembered the boarded up stores and the open church door. Perhaps, if someone else took the Springfieldians away, maybe they passed it off as the Rapture? But if that was the case, then why did the Reverend help them? He was one of the greatest men he knew. He sat down on the steps wondering about it, in deep thought.


	3. Knock, Knock?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka, "Ned's Exercise in Futility"

After a few hours of thinking and theory...ing, Ned didn't have the answer to the original questions he had. However, he did realize something. If anyone else was still here in Springfield, it would be Herman. He usually wouldn't go to him for a favor, but it was it last resort. ...Well, his second-to-last resort, but he didn't want to use his _actual_ last resort unless he couldn't reach Herman either.

He got off the church stairs and began to walk to Herman's Military Antiques, sending him back to Downtown Springfield. Of coruse, since all the stores were shut down, he wasn't planning to find him in there itself. Rather, the bunkers that gathered behind it. 'He'll be much more likely to be inside one of those bunkers, anyway.' Ned thought. It was good he rested before, since this'll be a lot of searching.

As he approached the antique store, he noticed a patch of barbed wire separating him from the shelters. Other then a door that needed a key to open that Ned didn't have, the only other way to get through was climbing above the wire. He's dealt with Homer Simpson before, getting though this frozen, spiky fence would only be...much more difficult. So, he took a few deep breaths and climbed onto the wire. After 30 minutes of falling off, slipping, and hurting his hands, he finally dropped onto the other side. And as he looked up, his spirits fell.

All the bunkers were boarded up. Tight.

Normally, Ned would've looked up at the sky and leave, but he didn't have much of a choice here. Maybe, if he looked hard enough, he'd find something of salvage. He dusted himself off, and began walking through the yard of shelters. Soon, Ned noted a trend with the boards - that the doors on the tightly sealed houses didn't seem to be locked correctly. Perhaps, if he saw a door that was locked right, that would be where Herman was. The only problem now was how to get to him...

"This place feels like I'm in one of those diddly darn mazes..." he sighed. Even when he started to just find Herman's bunker, the layout still had him lost, especially since he didn't have a map. He wondered if Herman was even still here. He was so disoriented, he didn't realize he got to what might be his destination until he tripped on a fallen piece of cardboard. "...What the...?" he started to ask, staring at the shelter nearly behind him.

A majority of the floorboards were either hastily put on or had already fell. And, as he guessed, the door was correctly locked. Ned got up, eyeing the keypad next to it. It would take the correct 4-number password to open it. ...And, as you may have already guessed, Ned didn't have it. He knew it wouldn't work, but he knocked on the door.

No response.

He knocked the door again, to no avail. He looked at the keypad again. Sure, he _could_ try and guess the password, but he'd most likely get it wrong. At least the keypad wouldn't do anything to anyone who used the wrong code...probably. And speaking of things going wrong...

Even if he _did_ successfully get in, would Herman help him? Being the only one in the town would sound like a dream to him, and Ned doubted he'd leave it for a man he barely knew. He realized that his plan probably wasn't as good as he thought, and that musing near doors in the cold was still not a very good idea. He remembered what the house looked like, just in case he needed it later, and roamed back to the store itself. 'Although I couldn't get Herman out, I _did_ learn something! ...I think...' he thought.

It was definitely P.M. now, but Ned wasn't sure of the exact time. He laid down near the antique shop and slept, so he would have some energy to get back home. Unfortunately, he fell asleep under no shelter. When he woke up, he had to shake off the snow that built up on him and walk home cold. He took off his clothing and decided to take a warm bath to heat up. 'After this,' he thought. 'it's time for Plan B. ...Or would it be Plan C? Hmm...'


	4. Better than a Bare Bulb

"When did my life lead up to this?" Ned asked himself.

He was searching through the attic for the one card he needed. He was sure it was here somewhere... Patting down a table for any cards, his hand slipped onto exactly what he needed. 'How lucky.' he thought, holding the card to his face. "Catherine Sapling's Informational Service! Open 24/7! Est. 1961" it read, along with Catherine's phone number. Ned doubted that the service was still up, but he had to give it a try.

Walking to his living room, he typed the number into his phone on the wall. "Hello there, my name is Ned Flanders. Is Catherine on the phone?" he inquired.

After almost a minute, a voice boomed; "Catherine? Catherine?! CATHER- ...Wait. Your voice doesn't sound familiar." Their voice sounded more gruff then Ned expected.

"...Erm...I'm in a bit of...trouble. My kids are gone, I have no idea where they are, and my car is almost out of fuel. C-Can you help me?" he asked.

"Well, I suppose so. I needed to get to your abandoned Springfield, anyways. Unfinished business, eh. I have a lot of information to share. Just know if you see a pitch black dump truck...that's me. Also, prepare your car for a 3-5 day ride. Don't wanna contaminate my car, eh." they spoke, before suddenly hanging up.

Ned wondered about the last two sentences they said. Would the long ride be for his children, or something (or someone) else? And speaking of 3-5 days, is that also how long it'll take for them to get here? Or were they closer to Springfield then he thought? And what was this "unfinished business"? Ned stood by the window and waited.

And soon, it became late. Ned was now considering going to bed before being blinded by a flash of bright light. It was like an omen, as a pitch black truck parked on the road. "Come git your stuff!" they yelled. Ned quickly put on his extra clothing and ran out. "Everything you need is in the back!" they shouted, pointing at the rear.

As he opened the trunk, he noticed a flashlight in the very front. Picking it up and using it, he saw an expensive pack of items. Gasoline, food and water, first aid kits, alcohol... Well, the alcohol he could do without, but he packed everything else in his own Geo. "Thank you, kind...person!" he shouted back. They merely held a thumbs up.

"I need to find someone before I can get to your children. An old partner o' mine." they said, jumping out the truck and pulling out a map. "His name's Herman. I believe you know where he is. Pardon that this map's a little outdated." From just looking at the map, Ned could tell their map hasn't been updated since 1987. He wanted to still help, so he pointed to an area behind Herman's Military Antiques, saying that's the closest to where it was and that it'd have a keypad and loose boards. They put the map away, and held out their hand. "By the way...just call me Remus." they introduced.

Ned took their hand. "...How did you get here so fast?"

"I'm _always_ nearby." Remus said, winking. How...helpful. They shook hard before getting back in their truck. "We'll be back at morning! See you soon!" they yelled, starting up the car with a growl. Ned watched as it drove into the night. '...I _really_ should be sleeping.' he thought, before going to bed.


	5. Midday

Ned woke up at 6 A.M.

Since he expected them to not get here until midday, he didn't have much to do. '...Perhaps checking if those material are still there is a good start...' he thought, getting out of bed. He got into his winter get-up, then walked outside to his garage - and his Geo. A simple check-up proved that his items were untouched. He sighed in relief, before going back to his house. Just as he opened the door, he thought '...Well, now that I know what Remus gave me is still here...what do I do now?'

Finding Remus now was out of the question, he has no clue where his kids are, and it's been proven only two Springfieldians (and Remus) were left. Opening the door, he went to get something to eat. It wasn't like he hasn't eaten anything the last few days, no, he was just hungry. A mixed vegetable salad should do him in until they get back. Although it reminded him of a time with a family, he couldn't help but feel alone.

Ned then slumped onto his couch. What else could he do to pass the time. Eyeing his Bible, he knew what to do. He grabbed the book, flipped to the first page, and began to read. Surely, this'll help him wait until Remus and their partner get here.

And, as Ned read, Herman confronted Remus.

"Herman, it's me! Your old pal, Remus!" they shouted, sensing him on the other end of the hallway. He put out his cigarette and glared at them. 'Why are they here and what do they want?' he thought. They haven't talked to him since...what was it, the 70s? Herman didn't understand why they wanted to talk to him now.

He took a few steps forward. "I know who you are. What I _don't_ know is why you're here." he said. Remus stepped forward too. "I...I know that _you_ know who I am. I said that to...not get shot on sight. I'm here to get you for the first appointment we've got in decades." they explained. Herman raised his eyebrow.

After their service was shut down in '89, Catherine Sapling's Informational Service become but a mystery. Who would both still have the card needed to call them and trust that Remus would still pick up the phone after all those years? Although, he had heard a man who scream at the sky yesterday who might have called... At least, it certainly woke him up. "Remus, I thought you went solo." he finally said.

"I did, but this is a two-man operation. This man's kin are living in New Mexico now, and driving there, on my own, all the way from Oregon would bust me. We have to take him to HQ first." they replied.

First, hearing Remus use the names of the former states felt...off. The U.S. long since assimilated its states into New Territory, but Remus still used their names, at least to him and Lionel. Maybe it's because they haven't talked to him for so long. Second of all, he had a question; "Why are you taking him to HQ?" Stopping during the middle of a Oregon to New Mexico trip made sense to him, but he wondered why they specifically choose that area. "He called me for information, and that's what he'll get. Besides, excluding me and Lionel, you know where it is, and our client _doesn't_." Remus told him.

He stepped closer. "Anything else?" he asked.

"For the trip, you'll be driving the client's car. I'll be driving in front. I gave our client everything he needs yesterday. ...Please agree to help us."

Herman raised his hand to his face and thought, 'What would I get out of this? Since I'm driving in a car without Remus, I'm not due to their asinine rambling. Add a free trip to my home-state of New Mexico...' "It _might_ be a deal." he said. They nodded, and ran to the door. "C'mon! We don't have all day! He's waiting for us!" Remus yelled. Herman smiled a bit, before quickly putting his face back to its scowl. 'Just like old times...' he thought, chasing them.

And, as the pitch black truck rode once again, Ned was at home, peacefully reading.


	6. The Rusty Mill

It was midday, and Ned heard the roar of Remus' truck. He set down his Bible and looked out the window. Lo and behold, Remus and Herman were driving to Ned's house. As he got on his extra clothes and went out the door, Remus pushed Herman out the door and began to disinfect his seat. He brushed himself off as Ned got out his car.

Herman walked to the car, and knocked on the door. "What can I do for you, neighborino?" Ned asked.

"Get in the passenger's side." he replied. Ned obliged, and went to the passenger's side as Herman settled into the driver's seat. "Thank you for cooperating. We'll take you to HQ first." he said, in a authoritative tone. Soon, Remus finished disinfecting his seat and started up the car. As it drove off, Herman and Ned followed. Ned wanted to ask a few questions, but which ones?

"Where are your headquarters?" he started with.

"They're in Green Acres, Cal- ...Yeah, Green Acres." Herman replied, attempting not to say the name of the state.

"It sounds nice. ...Green Acres itself, anyways."

He merely nodded. "How long have you been working with Remus?" Ned asked.

"...I...I've been working with them since '62. That's all I'll say." he said. Herman refused to speak of the incident in '74 or Remus' declining heath.

"Has anyone else worked with them?"

"...One, technically. This man named Lionel Hutz. He's been there since '83 and he practically lives in HQ." he responded. The name 'Lionel Hutz' sounded familiar, but Ned couldn't put his tongue on who exactly he was... That was all the questions he had for now. Bored, he stared out the window. 'If only I brought my Bible...' he thought.

Meanwhile, Remus began to turn on the lights on the truck, musing. They definitely wouldn't show it, but they were lonely. A majority of the human interaction they had nowadays was Lionel and the left behind. They couldn't interact without washing the evidence away with disinfectant. 'Why do I promise this man information,' they thought. 'when I wash such information away?' They sighed, slightly comforted that they wouldn't have to use disinfectant in their rusty mill.

~~~~4 days later~~~~

Remus and Herman parked their respective cars in the parking lot of the Rusty Mill. Remus got out first, and messed with the ring of keys they had as the other two exited the Geo. The exterior of the flower shop looked rusted and abandoned, with weeds growing in the walls and on the cracked ground. Ned doubted it would look much better inside. At least, to an unsuspecting person, it would look like an untouched flower shop that _didn't_ hold government secrets.

Finally, they found the right key, and opened the doors. Herman and Ned followed suit. As Ned guessed, it's didn't look better inside, which held foul flowers and strange stenches. The door upstairs was locked up with chains, while the door to the basement was wide open. "It may be awful, but it's what I call home!" Remus presented.

"Fitting..." Herman muttered.

They began to walk downstairs. "Lionel's making hamburgers. Get 'em while they're hot!" they shouted to the duo. Herman shrugged and followed them. Ned went down too, but less for the free burger and more for finding out who Lionel was. In the basement, a table was hastily set up with chairs surrounding it, a fridge and grill, and a man with orange hair, a white shirt with a Hawaiian print jacket, and a nearby flask signing to Remus on why they can't have a hamburger first.

"Your order always takes too long. Let Herman and... And the new guy have a chance." he signed. They sighed, then yelled at Herman to get up to the grill. Remus sulked at the table as Herman ordered an average hamburger. Ned stood nearby as Lionel prepared his food. 'He's so skilled...I'm surprised.' he thought.

As Herman walked off, Ned went up to Lionel. "I'd like a burger with a patty with pepper on it, ketchup, and some lettuce." he told him. Lionel nodded and began to make Ned's burger. Soon, he put the snack on a nearby plate, gave it to him, and called up Remus. He sat next to Herman, and asked what they ordered that took so much time. "...You ever seen a cheeseburger with two patties and everything on it?" he queried.

"...N-no?"

"That's exactly what they order. A big eater, that one... They always have to be last due to how much time it takes." he explained. Ned stared at Remus waiting for their order to arrive. He ignored them, and looked at Lionel. Why was he here? Was he someone left behind that Remus became fond of, or was he in the same business as them? He might never know...unless one of them told him.


	7. Burgers and Lies

Herman moved a few chairs back and Ned went to sit next to Lionel so he wouldn't throw up. 'Maybe while I'm here, I could get some more information...' he thought. He tugged at his pant leg, trying to get his attention. Lionel looked down, and signed "What do you need?"

"What's w-wrong with that ding dang _burger_?"

"It's their favorite. They haven't ordered it in while, and I think I know why they ordered it now."

"...And that is...?"

"They haven't been with this many people in a long time. If you were in that sort of situation, you would try to salvage it, too."

"That makes sense. I...just don't like the look of that burger."

"...I could rig a call to where your children are in the meantime. The phone's upstairs." he signed, and began to walk upstairs. Ned followed carefully. Lionel took the phone, punched in the number they needed, and gave it to Ned. "Be careful what you say. Officials will use what you say against you - if they can." he signed.

Meanwhile, in Springfield, NM, one of the two officials taking care of Rod and Todd picked up a call on the latest government technology - the _fliphone_. "Yello, who has decided to speak with us today?" David said.

"...I'm Ned Flanders."

"Ned! I realized we left you behind! I am so sorry, where are you?"

"I'm...in Green Acres. I'm nowhere specific."

"I got it. We'll send some searchers in Green Acres to question the locals. And...be wary of Catherine. They've been dormant since 1989 but you never know when they'll strike again."

"Alrighty. ...Can I speak to my children now?"

David held the phone out to Rod and Todd. "Dad!" they both shouted. "You're safe!"

"I sure am. I'll see you soon, alright? Another day or three at best."

"...And then you'll stay with us?" Rod asked.

"Yessir."

"How'd you get to Green Acres?" Todd also asked.

Ned stiffly laughed and said "I drove there."

"Wooooow..." they both whispered. 'It was nice to hear their voices again...' Ned thought.

Ned wondered of what else to say. "I love you, and stay safe." he said. "Sir, you can hang up the phone. David hung up, and there was a long time of silence. Well, until Remus and their batch of documents got out of the basement. "Ned, I'm ready!" they yelled. 'And I am, too.' he thought, although he wasn't so sure.

Remus set up a table and set down their documents. "Well, let's get the elephant out of the room...Springfield is a moving town." they said. Ned sat down to gather this information. Bits and pieces of that being true seeped in his mind before being left behind, but it was finally confirmed. He didn't know whenever to feel proud or confused.

"...Why, exactly?" he asked.

"I don't have an exact answer to that question, if that was that you're looking for. I think it likely has to do with all the pollution."

"Where are my children?"

Remus took out two maps. One divided New Territory in 'states' in a map dated 1958. The other was a recently made map, one from 2002. They pointed to New Mexico on the old map, then pointed to a city near Noche on the new map. "...Wait," Ned said. "How did the government get an entire town near Salt Lake City to-"

"The government always finds a way. _Always_."

"...Hm. How does nobody remember this...?"

"Subliminal, liminal, and superliminal messages. What else?" they replied. It certainly explained the holes in his memories a little better. ...But he still had two questions. Why was the government hiding this from everyone? And what else were they hiding?


	8. Government Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon if this chapter's shorter then the other chapters.

Ned gulped and asked the question "Why were the government hiding this from us?"

"They don't want to cause panic among citizens, I suppose. Let me guess, you also want to know what else the U.S. is hiding?" Remus asked. He nodded, and they went on. "Okay! First, let's start at ref...terra...tarra-something something...that thing where you change the environment. They've done that! It's actually more minor changes then you'd expect, but it's still pretty interesting."

"Like what?"

"...Well, why else would it snow in California?" they said, shrugging. Ned looked outside to see - you guessed it - a slightly snowy night. He looked back, not trying to look Lionel in the eye. "Anything else?" he asked. Remus tapped their fingers on the table.

"Well, don't trust cable TV and tap water. And officials roam both the old and new Springfields on the first - and last - few days. I'd tell you the more fancy-dancy secrets - but they took some of my papers. ...Eh, sorry for the anticlimactic...ness." Remus said hastily. "Besides, I told you all you need to know." They started to pack up their remaining papers. Ned had one more thing to say. "What about Herman? And Lionel?" he inquired. Remus stopped for a few moments, then continued. "My boy, Herman, is off-limits. Lionel, on the other hand..."

They turned to him and asked if they could. Lionel nodded and walked back downstairs, likely going to bed. While Remus ran off to put everything away, Ned sat back down. He sat to take everything in. 'Deep breaths...' he reminded.

Soon, Remus plopped down on a chair next to Ned, and began. "I brought him here in '83, but I first met him in the 70s. He was a former lawyer - and not even a good one. What he _was_ good at - was sniffing out secrets. He had the access Herman didn't and the charm I hadn't. He's even met the Devil himself. Like Herman, he was a man to be proud of. ...And just like Herman, he was put out of commission. Somewhere in '88 or '89...Lionel lost his voice like Herman lost his arm. He never told me what happened to him, and for good reason."

"...Dear god." was the only thing Ned could say. Herman lost his arm, Lionel lost his voice...what did Remus lose? He might never know, since the first two never told. "You go to sleep now, eh, while I reminisce on times lost." they say, distracting him. "We've got extra beds downstairs." Ned hastily went downstairs as Remus stayed up. 'What keeps me up at night?' they thought. 'The possibility of apprehension and death - _or my time as a government official?_ '


	9. Welcome Home

Ned woke up early. Only one other person was up - Herman. He looked deep in thought, however, so Ned just folded his sleeping bag and read his new Bible. 'Perhaps Lionel will be better at answering my questions.' he rationalized. 'And what exactly is Herman thinking about?' He might now know.

Meanwhile, Remus was upstairs, still awake and planning. They were going to get Ned home today. Keeping him there would just be selfish. He had a family to tend to, after all. And besides, Remus wasn't one to make the same mistake twice.

Finally, Lionel woke up, with Ned staring at him from behind. He looked at him with a face that said 'What do you want?'. "Pardon me, sir, but I have a few questions to ask." he told him.

"Go ahead." he signed.

"Remus seems very...melodramatic, for lack of a better word."

"Not a question, but I'll answer it anyway. They've been going through mood swings lately."

"How lately?"

"...2000." he answered. 'That'd mean they've been dealing with this for...what, four years? Oh dear...' Ned thought. He sat next to Lionel. "Anything else notable about Remus?" he asked.

"Well, ther-" he began to sign, before Remus stomped downstairs. "Ned, pack up your things and get upstairs! I have a speech to speak of!" they yelled. He quickly gathered his belongings, then ran upstairs, leaving Lionel and Herman to themself. "Gentlemen! We have a man to transport. And by 'we' I mean 'you two'. Apprehension is not a good way to go." they started. The duo moved closer.

"You two will dress up at officials, drive to New Mexico, and deliver our good client to his new home. Your outfits and cards are on the top floor. Get ready, you ride at 6 A.M." they informed the duo. They ran up to the top floor as Remus looked around for one last gift. Meanwhile, Ned paced on the main floor. "Hey, Ned!" Remus yelled from the bottom floor.

"What is it?" he asked.

"How'd ya get the card, anyway?"

"Well, I found it stuck in a couch Homer borrowed from me. He didn't seem to want it back, so I kept it in my attic." he explained. Remus kept quiet after that. 'Just _what_ were they doing?' he wondered. Eventually, Lionel and Herman were ready, and brought Ned outside. "We'll be using the Black Crow." Herman said.

"But what about-" Ned said, before being interrupted.

"Your car will be safely returned soon. Get in the back seat." he responded, before getting in the driver's seat. Lionel got in the passenger's seat, and Ned settled in the back with his belongings. "Ready in 5...4...3...2... _1!_ " he said, revving the engine. Ned cracked a smile. It was time for another 4-5 day drive - and this time he was finally going home.

~~~~ 4 days later ~~~~

At long last, the trio drove to the gate of Springfield, with a few guards being their obstacle to Rod and Todd. One of the guards went up to Herman and asked "Who are you, and why are you here?" Herman held out his card and responded, "My name is Jack Trevor, my partner is Rick Jones, and we're here to bring Ned back." He scanned his card, and - after a minute of checking, accepted it. As they drive to Evergreen Terrence, the man shouted "Thank you for your service!"

Unlike California, Ned noticed, New Mexico only had light snow and frost. He wouldn't take off his coat, however, since he didn't want to forget it on the Crow. Soon, they approached Ned's new home, and he and Lionel got out. David answered the door. "Yell- ... _oh._ " he said, recognizing Lionel.

"Sir, you can bring you and your partner's dollar rooted pants out of here. Ned is here now."

"You...You...I thought...Weren't you..." he stuttered.

"I am not Lionel, I assure you that." Lionel lied. "Please leave now."

"Alright." David said, tightening his tie. He went inside, coaxed his partner out, and left Ned to his own devices. Lionel nodded, and went back inside the Crow. He gulped, then went inside, wondering what would await him. Thankfully, he was greeted by his wonderful boys.

"Dad! You're home!"

"Yeah! And you're safe!"

He patted their backs and smiled. "I sure am, boys. Glad to see you home."


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka "We'll See You Next Time"

It was a few days - or really, nights, later after Ned came back home that he heard a familiar car. No, not the Black Crow - something else. He looked through the window to see someone riding his Geo home. "...Di- d...I...who...?" he stuttered, walking outside. The man stopped the car, and opened the window. "Howdy, Ned!" he signed.

"Lio- ...You're back!" he yelped.

"Yeah. All your gifts are in the back. Some from your home, some from Remus themself. They didn't want to risk your stuff getting stolen or lost in the mail." he explained, before pointing to the trunk. He gasped in awe when he saw what laid inside. His old Bible, a picture of him and Maude, a VHS in its case, and a medium-sized book with a 'NOT FOR SALE' label. After he took everything out, Lionel drove the car into Ned's garage. He got out, locked the car, and threw Ned the key.

"I'll be waiting for Remus to pick me up, if you're wondering how I'm going home. Stay safe!" he signed, before walking towards the gates. Ned took everything inside and set it all down. He put the Bible next to his new one, put up the picture, then opened up the book. He saw, that on the inside of the book, there were a few extra items. A CD, a recently made card, and a sketch of a star with a red circle with a line going from the upper left to the lower right in front of it.

He took out the card first. It was a recent version of their service. "Remus Sapling's Informational Service! Open 24/7!" it said, with their phone number. He put it back, then viewed the CD. "MUSIC DISK" was written on it, and Ned decided to check it out later. Finally, he looked through the book. A series of secrets that only a few people know.

He went upstairs and settled the book into his drawer. Ned put the VHS into its player, wondering what laid inside it. The video opened, the date being 2/7/80. They looked like they were in their 40s, but they definitely looked less gruff then now. After setting up the camera, they spoke.

"Howdy! My name is Catherine, but feel free to call me Remus. You must be lucky to be viewing this video right now, as this sort of thing isn't what 'cha find in Brickbuster or whatever. It's only for me, and the lucky few who've wrote their way into my heart. And I just want to say...thank you for using my service! Whatever reason you called, I hope you thought I've done well. It isn't easy being someone like me, so I try to do the best I can. Remember to stay safe...and we'll see you next time!"

The tape ended after that. Ned felt...bittersweet, for lack of a better word. Remus really was so sweet, and years of being on the run wore them down. He wondered how Remus was doing, and in extention, Herman and Lionel. Had the same thing happen to them? 'I might never know,' he thought as he took out the tape and put it back. 'and I might not want to.' As he set it inside the drawer, he glanced at the book. 'I suppose calling Remus again wouldn't hurt.' he planned. 'If only to make sure they're okay.'


End file.
